Thursday, January 31, 2008

Funny Kids



It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father walked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, and assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me $10 that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teachers' lounge to show him that I had no mole, but he had to promise he would never make another bet at school again." "Damn!" the father said. "He bet me $50 this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."



A mother and her son were flying on a plane. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The boy said, "Yes she did.""Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."





Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Stupidity Awards


  • When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
  • After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
  • A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
  • A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
  • Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
  • The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
  • When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Old People Are Funny


A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. " If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." " Go away!" said the old lady. " I haven't got any money!" As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. " Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. " If this vacuum does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you have a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Monday, January 28, 2008

Stupid Sports Quotes

  • "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theissman
  • "Therapy can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic." - Alex Rodriguez
  • "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid." - Terry Bradshaw
  • "I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that." - Jerry Rice
  • "I've won at every level, except college and pro." - Shaquille O'Neal
  • "He's the man of the hour at this particular moment." - Don King
  • "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."- Greg Norman


L.A. Traffic


A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving." Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the holdup?"
"It's O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn't have $8.5 million dollars to pay the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says, "A collection, huh? How much do you have so far?"
"So far... ten gallons."

Sunday, January 27, 2008

You might be a redneck if...



  • The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than you.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  • You take a six-pack cooler to church.
  • You have to go outside to go to the fridge.
  • One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  • You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • You think Taco Bell is the mexican phone company.
  • You think possum is "the other white meat."
  • You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
  • You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
  • Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
  • Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

Saturday, January 26, 2008


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

  • You lose arguments with inanimate objects
  • You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
  • Job interfering with your drinking
  • Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream
  • Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts
  • The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat
  • Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence, i think not!
  • Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem
  • "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Signs that you are broke

  • At communion, you go back for seconds.
  • You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
  • You are formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
  • Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
  • You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
  • McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
  • American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
  • Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
  • You've rolled so many pennies, you have formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Q: What has hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter --- he won't come.

Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: The conga line at a nursing home.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Monday Comicalness

Wrong time to abbreviate!

A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?" " Give me the good" the man says. "They are going to name a disease after you."

Q: What did the redneck get on his IQ Test?

A: Drool.


Sunday, January 20, 2008

Q:What do you call a dog with three legs and steel balls?

A:Sparky



Q:How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Wanna go ride bikes?

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Funnies for today

A guy goes to the supermarket and is startled when a gorgeous blonde waves at him."Do you know me?" he asks. "I think you're the father of one of my kids," she replies. He flashes back to the only time he cheated on his wife. "Are you the stripper I banged on the pool table at my bachelor party with my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with celery?"
"No, I'm your daughter's math teacher."

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he accidentally pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he accidentally looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well, that's just great. Some asshole's got my pen!"

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Daily Laughter

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a drink. "Get out!" the bartender shouts. "I don't serve drunks here." The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and again loudly demands a drink. "I thought I just told you to get out," yells the bartender. The drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He sits down and angrily calls for a drink. The bartender walks over and shouts, " I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out!" The drunk looks up and slurs, "How many freakin' bars you work at, anyway?"

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Jokes for the day

1. Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

A: Wipe it off and tell him you're sorry.

2. Q: What is the difference between kinky and perverted?

A: Kinky: You use a feather. Perverted: You use the whole chicken.

3. Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?

A: Hit him in the face with an ax?

4. Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: You're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

5. Q: What two words will clear out a men's room?

A: "Nice cock"