Don't Feed the Animals

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer.""No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food." "I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!"

Buffalo Theory

Fart Frenzy

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight." So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was. So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap. And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it. As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose. All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80." Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70." He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."


A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Obama Momma

• "Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel
• "Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." --Jay Leno
• "Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It's strange, isn't it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself. ... Obama and Cheney are actually cousins, but Barack did not inherit the family sneer." --David Letterman
• "According to a new report by a genealogy company, Barack Obama's great-great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Yeah, that should really solidify Obama's support among Irish African-Americans raised in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien
• "Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is -- when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor." --Jay Leno
• "Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap." --Amy Poehler
• "Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, 'Did we catch 'em?' --Seth Meyers
  

Redneck Crossing

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground and his eyes roll back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “Help! Help! My friend Bubba is dead! What’ll I do?” The operator, in a calm voice, says, “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the guy’s voice comes back on the line. “OK, now what?”

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 23rd floor of a building. While they were eating lunch, the Irishman shrieked, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”The Mexican opened his lunchbox and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time, I’m going to jump, too.”The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping, too.”The very next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and promptly jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his, sees a Burrito, and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch box, sees the Bologna and also jumps to his death.At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife cries, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again.”The Mexican’s wife also weeps, and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”Finally, the attentions of all in the room turn toward the redneck’s wife, who protests, “Hey, don’t look at me! That dumbass makes his own lunch.”

Potty Mouth

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”

Ten Signs Your Partner Needs a Vacation

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed

right there on the spot.

6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Signs you've drank too much. Part2

• You fall asleep taking a dump.
• You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
• You can focus better with one eye open.
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

Super Tuesday

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington. With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked.
Lincoln replied, “Go see a play"

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

Monkey Business

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

Super Bowl Sunday

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.""Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

Bad Day at the Office?

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."