Funnies for today

A guy goes to the supermarket and is startled when a gorgeous blonde waves at him."Do you know me?" he asks. "I think you're the father of one of my kids," she replies. He flashes back to the only time he cheated on his wife. "Are you the stripper I banged on the pool table at my bachelor party with my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with celery?"
"No, I'm your daughter's math teacher."

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he accidentally pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he accidentally looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well, that's just great. Some asshole's got my pen!"