Farting Preacher

Farting Preacher is back @ Yahoo! Video

Zombie Baby

Hilarious Zombie Baby Part Deux! @ Yahoo! Video

The Freeloader's Guide To Easy Living: Drinking

Gas Prices Suck!

Only in L.A.

Drinking is Fun

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”



A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks, “Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you’?”The host, stunned, answers, “Of course I don’t have any green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you.’”“Oh, no!” the drunk cries. “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

The Landlord

Payeth the Tax Man

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?""Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

Don't Feed the Animals

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer.""No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food." "I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!"

Buffalo Theory

Fart Frenzy

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight." So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was. So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap. And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it. As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose. All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80." Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70." He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."


A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Obama Momma

• "Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel
• "Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." --Jay Leno
• "Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It's strange, isn't it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself. ... Obama and Cheney are actually cousins, but Barack did not inherit the family sneer." --David Letterman
• "According to a new report by a genealogy company, Barack Obama's great-great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Yeah, that should really solidify Obama's support among Irish African-Americans raised in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien
• "Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is -- when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor." --Jay Leno
• "Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap." --Amy Poehler
• "Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, 'Did we catch 'em?' --Seth Meyers
  

Redneck Crossing

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground and his eyes roll back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “Help! Help! My friend Bubba is dead! What’ll I do?” The operator, in a calm voice, says, “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the guy’s voice comes back on the line. “OK, now what?”

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 23rd floor of a building. While they were eating lunch, the Irishman shrieked, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”The Mexican opened his lunchbox and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time, I’m going to jump, too.”The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping, too.”The very next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and promptly jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his, sees a Burrito, and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch box, sees the Bologna and also jumps to his death.At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife cries, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again.”The Mexican’s wife also weeps, and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”Finally, the attentions of all in the room turn toward the redneck’s wife, who protests, “Hey, don’t look at me! That dumbass makes his own lunch.”

Potty Mouth

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”

Ten Signs Your Partner Needs a Vacation

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed

right there on the spot.

6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Signs you've drank too much. Part2

• You fall asleep taking a dump.
• You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
• You can focus better with one eye open.
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

Super Tuesday

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington. With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked.
Lincoln replied, “Go see a play"

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

Monkey Business

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

Super Bowl Sunday

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.""Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

Bad Day at the Office?

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Funny Kids

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father walked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, and assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me $10 that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teachers' lounge to show him that I had no mole, but he had to promise he would never make another bet at school again." "Damn!" the father said. "He bet me $50 this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."



A mother and her son were flying on a plane. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The boy said, "Yes she did.""Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."

Stupidity Awards

• When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
• After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
• A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
• A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
• Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
• The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
• When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.
  

Old People Are Funny

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. " If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." " Go away!" said the old lady. " I haven't got any money!" As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. " Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. " If this vacuum does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you have a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Stupid Sports Quotes

• "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theissman
• "Therapy can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic." - Alex Rodriguez
• "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid." - Terry Bradshaw
• "I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that." - Jerry Rice
• "I've won at every level, except college and pro." - Shaquille O'Neal
• "He's the man of the hour at this particular moment." - Don King
• "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."- Greg Norman

L.A. Traffic

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving." Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the holdup?"

"It's O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn't have $8.5 million dollars to pay the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says, "A collection, huh? How much do you have so far?"

"So far... ten gallons."

You might be a redneck if...

• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than you.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You take a six-pack cooler to church.
• You have to go outside to go to the fridge.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• You think Taco Bell is the mexican phone company.
• You think possum is "the other white meat."
• You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
• Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
• Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects
• You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
• Job interfering with your drinking
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream
• Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence, i think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem
• "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar
  

Signs that you are broke

• At communion, you go back for seconds.
• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
• You are formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
• Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
• You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
• McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
• American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
• You've rolled so many pennies, you have formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
  

Q: What has hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter --- he won't come.

Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: The conga line at a nursing home.

Monday Comicalness

Wrong time to abbreviate!

A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?" " Give me the good" the man says. "They are going to name a disease after you."

Q: What did the redneck get on his IQ Test?

A: Drool.

Q:What do you call a dog with three legs and steel balls?

A:Sparky



Q:How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Wanna go ride bikes?

Funnies for today

A guy goes to the supermarket and is startled when a gorgeous blonde waves at him."Do you know me?" he asks. "I think you're the father of one of my kids," she replies. He flashes back to the only time he cheated on his wife. "Are you the stripper I banged on the pool table at my bachelor party with my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with celery?"
"No, I'm your daughter's math teacher."

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he accidentally pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he accidentally looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well, that's just great. Some asshole's got my pen!"

Daily Laughter

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a drink. "Get out!" the bartender shouts. "I don't serve drunks here." The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and again loudly demands a drink. "I thought I just told you to get out," yells the bartender. The drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He sits down and angrily calls for a drink. The bartender walks over and shouts, " I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out!" The drunk looks up and slurs, "How many freakin' bars you work at, anyway?"

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

Jokes for the day

1. Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

A: Wipe it off and tell him you're sorry.

2. Q: What is the difference between kinky and perverted?

A: Kinky: You use a feather. Perverted: You use the whole chicken.

3. Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?

A: Hit him in the face with an ax?

4. Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: You're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

5. Q: What two words will clear out a men's room?

A: "Nice cock"